Bum Fluff

I will repeat my thoughts on the picture in the previous post (buried in the comments for the previous post).

What is the evolutionary point in growing hair on your upper lip when you hit puberty (if you're a guy)*?

And,

How come people thought Prince looked cool with bum fluff, but hassled the crap out of you at school when you had the very same upper lip fuzz?

*While we're at it, what's the evolutionary advantage of a warm upper lip for old women (and Italians)?

Purple Rain - The Song

The song Purple Rain is a bit like that scene in Extras where Ricky Gervais shows up to a Christian group wearing Travolta's suit out of Saturday Night Fever. He thinks it's all going to be about sex, and it ends up being all about religion.

This song is a fine example of the way Prince says cool sounding things that don’t mean anything. How many million people have sung along to the chorus (including me) without the faintest idea what on earth Purple Rain is supposed to be or represent? The high point is when Prince says “Everybody here knows what I’m talking about come on raise your hand”. Sh*t, I don’t know what he’s talking about but I’m raising my hand anyway, because he does enough to create this feeling that we sort of know what he’s on about: he’s lost someone, forever, he wishes them well, he is sad, he is uplifted, (or something).

Various people have various things to say about what this song means, but let's be honest: it's pop music - it "means" the words sound cool with the guitar riff.

As this is the most serious song on the Purple Rain album it somehow seems appropriate to mention that I once owned a video of a Prince concert. There are many things I could share with you from this video but I will pick the most offensive.

There was a section where Prince engaged in a particularly long guitar solo. It involved a lot of gyrating with the guitar between his legs, and even though you got the idea he went the extra mile in establishing the guitar as penis metaphor. He had a hose attached to his guitar. The nozzle came out the end of the guitar where the “head” was, and (have you guessed already?), at the climax of his solo a white liquid began shooting out the end of his guitar.

One thing I have always wondered is how did the audience that got sprayed with this white liquid react? There must have been a moment of sheer horror, a few seconds of tentativeness as you checked what the hell the liquid actually was, a sense of relief (presumably), and then what? I’m really not sure how I would react to someone spraying sheets of fake sperm over me, and I pray to remain unsure for the rest of my life.

Apollonia 6

With the Purple Rain movie project up and running and the lead female having opted out Prince did a casting call and found Patricia Kotero. Suspecting perhaps that Patricia 6 didn’t stand up, Prince pulled the name Apollonia out of the book The Godfather and renamed both the band and Patricia.

[Prince] used to make all these stupid jokes, 'You're the kind of chick who would wear a mink coat in the summertime.' To this day I don't have my own mink coat!

- Apollonia

No, but if look at the back of the Apollonia 6 album cover you will notice her in a swimsuit on a beach wearing fingerless gloves.

There’s so much to admire about this photo, but mainly I think it’s Apollonia’s bandmate Brenda’s hand lightly, almost casually, resting on Apollonia’s backside that makes it special. It also lets us know that although Vanity left the band, Brenda and Susan didn’t. They seamlessly carried on from Vanity to Apollonia 6.

The movie and album Purple Rain made Prince a huge star. A star who was less prone to forming girl groups and trying to call them Vagina Sex. Apollonia's two most memorable scenes in the movie (for a teenage boy) were jumping in a freezing lake sans clothes, and her sex scene with Prince. Perhaps Apollonia's career would be boosted by touring with her band?

…there's no way that any woman could attain respectability travelling around the world in her undergarments. - Apollonia, 1989

Well I guess you would feel like a bit of a tit travelling around the world and doing shows in your underwear, and you mightn’t be quite as keen to play the game for Prince as Vanity was, so you might sort of irritate your boss a bit, and he might start giving all the good songs to other people.

When Sheila E came into the scene, Prince took away the song from us and gave it to her. At that point it was like, 'Man, this is just not fair.' Since I was a newcomer, I kinda bit my tongue, but Susan and Brenda really let him have it. - Apollonia

It’s Susan and Brenda I feel sorry for. They stuck with the Prince game plan through teddy bears, lingerie and line up changes. They were on the cusp of a decent pop album, and he pulled the plug.

Mr. Sousa (1854-1932)

A thumbnail biography of the great man focusing on the inane:

• Was found to have absolute pitch when a child. After confinement at home and treatment from doctors he recovered and was pronounced tone deaf in 1864
• Served in the US army for a long time but because he was just leading a military band most people think he is a bit of a dick for always wearing his medals
• He wrote 136 marches the most famous being the one used for Monty Python's Flying Circus (and some crap called Stars and Stripes Forever)
• He wrote operettas some of which opposed militarism (did he conduct them in a military uniform?)
• He wrote five novels one of which includes a poem about monkeys
• Mr. Sousa was not a fan of the recording industry: "These talking machines are going to ruin the artistic development of music in this country. When I was a boy...in front of every house in the summer evenings, you would find young people together singing the songs of the day or old songs. Today you hear these infernal machines going night and day. We will not have a vocal cord left. The vocal cord will be eliminated by a process of evolution, as was the tail of man when he came from the ape." (1906)
• Mr. Sousa recorded music for Victor.

If you knew sousa (like I know sousa)

Hard to believe this didn't catch on more widely: a tuba you can wear. Actually it is this kind of thing that explains Dr. Suess drawings.

Saxophone sounds cool. Sousaphone sounds dumb.

Mind you, Powleyphone sounds even lamer.

Hooked on Classics

Ok, this is test for Richard. Is this kind of album ok, or is it sh**t?

I LOVED this cassette when I was a kid. It sold by the truck load: number two in the UK and top ten in the USA.

Is it ok because it gets a whole lot of people who aren't into classical music into classical music, or is it sh**t because it is, well, let's face it, sh**t?

You've gotta love the fact that the treble clef has a hook on the end.

There were two further volumes. Award for most intriguing track title goes to Volume Two, Tracks 8 & 9: If you knew Sousa & If you knew Sousa (and friends).

Denise Matthews

They wouldn't pay me enough money to go through with the crap I would have to go through [to star in Purple Rain]. I don't do things like this free of charge. I didn't want to be stuck in the snow at 6 in the morning in some camper with no place to change clothes. Who needs that?

- Vanity

Vanity is Denise Matthews. Matthews was born in Ontario, Canada, to a white mother and black father. Her large family was poor. "I thought every home to be slaughtered with abuse, but the screams only sounded from this side of the forest," Matthews writes in her autobiography.

Matthews says she suffered severe physical and emotional abuse at the hands of her alcoholic parents. Her 44-year old father died when she was 15. "Death seemed to take forever in his own torture. For the first time, I felt free. I planned my escape immediately, "she writes. "Fifteen years of cruelty, and the prison doors were finally opened ... or so I thought." After her father's death, Matthews says her mother plunged into alcoholism and attempted suicide several times. "I had been privy to see many a man beat and abuse her entire body," Matthews relates. Declaring, "Enough already!" Matthews left home at age 17. The young woman had dreams of stardom and glamour, "what I later recognized as deceptive beauty." While working as a model, Matthews met Prince in Los Angeles. As the story goes, he renamed her "Vanity" because seeing her was like looking in a mirror and glimpsing a twin soul.

Enough already? Cruelty, abuse, death, attempted suicide... enough already?

I can tell you that her autobiography has been released by a vanity publisher. It’s not a pun, that’s what they’re called.

Straight to the Richard

Sergeant Sam made me reflect on two things.

Firstly, the guy with the moustache on the cover of the Soft Cell album looks a little bit like a certain music teacher at Wainui High (with a moustache... in the 80s).

Secondly, there are some bands that you spend your life defending because they did "one good song". For a long time I defended Tiffany because she did I Think We're Alone Now, and then one terrible day I found out that it was a cover. Recently I discovered that Tainted Love by Soft Cell was also a cover.

When I find this sort of thing out, well, it's straight to the Richard with their reputation. Sorry, Tiff.

Sex Dwarf

While we're on the subject of ridiculous bands from the 80s and sex, I came across a song called Sex Dwarf by Soft Cell the other day. Here's what Wikipedia has to say about the video:

The original version of the music video featured Almond and Ball in a bloody butcher shop surrounded by chainsaws, nude actors, and dwarves. However, the film was confiscated by police and censored before it was even released.

Lyrical highlights from the song:

I would like you on / A long black leash / I would parade you / Down the high street / You've got the attraction / You've got the pulling power / Walk my little doggy / Walk my little sex dwarf

And

They all love your / Miniature ways / You know what they say / About small boys

Reminds me of Cole Porter.

It is almost impossible to believe that the silly man with the moustache is trying to do a sexy look. Who does he think he is appealing to? It is also almost impossible to believe that Neil Tennant and co. didn't seriously study the sound of Sex Dwarf before they launched their own electronic careers.

If you need a good laugh try googling sex dwarf. What is it with the world and hamsters anyway?

Vanity 6

When you look for pictures of Vanity 6 on the internet you tend to get things like this:









Sometimes it's hard to believe that Google doesn't have a sense of humour.


Vanity 6 didn't look like the cabinet in your bathroom, they looked more like the three chicks to the left, below.

Back when Prince was just an ordinary guy and people remembered him as that weirdo from high school who arsed about with music, he went out with Susan Moonsie (on the right), and the song When Doves Cry is supposedly about that relationship (amongst other things).

The other members of the group were Prince’s wardrobe mistress Brenda Bennett (left), and Vanity (centre).


Here is Prince’s master plan for the band in case you too want to set up a girl group:



1. Get girls
2. Call the group something controversial like The Hookers
3. Make the girls all wear something controversial on stage like their knickers
4. Try to call the lead singer something controversial like Vagina
5. When the girls whinge about being called The Hookers have an even more outrageous back up name in mind like Vagina Sex

Obviously there were some back downs involved in getting from Vagina Sex to Vanity Six. The “six” in the band name was apparently a band breast count, but I suspect Prince just wanted something that sounded as close as possible to Vagina Sex so that every time he said Vanity 6 he could smirk. Then comes the final step:


6. Write classy songs.


Here is an example from the lyrical tour de force that is the Vanity 6 song If A Girl Answers (Don’t Hang Up):

Hey tramp, take a bath in puke / What's more, U can kiss where the sun don't shine / If that don't work, we can duke / U see, the only kinda man that would play with U / Is one that plays with himself / None of my friends could stand the sight of U / Much less the smell / And if I weren't a lady, I'd take my money / And buy U a brand new face / Then I'd take my underwear and stick it in your mouth / And U'd love it cuz U got no taste

Super.

Vanity 6 had a hit on the dance charts, and a couple of minor follow ups. They toured with Prince during his 1999 period and were all lined up to be in Purple Rain, a movie that Vanity was supposed to star in.

However, Ms. Denise Matthews (aka Vanity) pulled out of the band and the movie at the last minute.

Without spending too much time analysing it, it would seem that Vanity got too big for her britches. When this happens in the world of celebrity the traditional story arc is a sudden flare of attention followed by the long, invisible descent though the endless night of ignominy.

When Vanity went out on her own there was initially talk of her doing a role in Last Temptation of Christ. Temptation and Christ feature in her future as it turned out, even if she didn’t get the role in the movie. Vanity did crack (and Playboy). Her kidneys failed. She had a stroke. She briefly lost her hearing and her eyesight.

Then she found God.

The evangelist has a special message for young people about resisting peer pressure and standing steadfast in their beliefs. “There's so much temptation. We're in the last days. (My advice is) to stay equipped, fellowship and get close to people that are strong and read the Word for themselves. Without reading the Word for yourself, you don't really know what the will of God is. It's really important to stay in fellowship and prayer and fasting. And stand up for the truth no matter what.”

A member of the Church of Jesus Christ for All Nations, under the leadership of Pastors Willie and Roxanne Harper, Matthews has left the entertainment industry to focus on her ministry full time.

Apollonia 6

Apollonia 6 had one of the great 80's debut albums taken off them by the man who almost gave it to them in the first place: Prince.

The ultimate Apollonia 6 album had the following tracks: Take Me With U (used on Purple Rain), Manic Monday (given to The Bangles), 17 Days (used as the B-side to When Doves Cry), Glamorous Life (given to Sheila E), and Sex Shooter. Considering that Apollonia was also the female lead in the hit movie Purple Rain the hype around this album would have been huge. As it was the band only got to keep Sex Shooter.

I'm a sex shooter shootin love in your direction
I'm a sex shooter come on play with my affections
come on kiss the gun

Let’s not go down the road of exploring exactly what is meant by people shooting “love” all over the place.

Before we continue with the Apollonia story we need to go back a step to Apollonia 6’s forerunner.

Early Draft of Kubla Khan

pleasure, man, fertile, round, enfolding

oh! deep romantic chasm, savage place, beneath a waning moon, demon-lover, ceaseless turmoil, fast thick pants, a mighty fountain momently was forced, swift half-intermitted burst, vaulted, flail, dancing, flung, sank in tumult

dome of pleasure, flashing eyes, floating hair, close your eyes, drunk the milk of paradise

Wordsworth was said to be concerned when he read this early draft, and suggested Sam might want to expand some of the ideas somewhat. Sam took the point but was a bit miffed that Woody wouldn't even let him mention the poem to Dorothy.

Quite a few years later members of the Frankie production team were toying with putting the sound of gushing waters into their mix of Relax. Wisely, they decided to run with the idea.

In Xanadu

In Xanadu did Kubla Khan

A stately pleasure-dome decree :

Where Alph, the sacred river, ran

Through caverns measureless to man
Down to a sunless sea.

So twice five miles of fertile ground

With walls and towers were girdled round :

And there were gardens bright with sinuous rills,

Where blossomed many an incense-bearing tree ;

And here were forests ancient as the hills,

Enfolding sunny spots of greenery.
But oh ! that deep romantic chasm which slanted

Down the green hill athwart a cedarn cover !

A savage place ! as holy and enchanted

As e'er beneath a waning moon was haunted

By woman wailing for her demon-lover !

And from this chasm, with ceaseless turmoil seething,

As if this earth in fast thick pants were breathing,
A mighty fountain momently was forced :

Amid whose swift half-intermitted burst

Huge fragments vaulted like rebounding hail,

Or chaffy grain beneath the thresher's flail :

And 'mid these dancing rocks at once and ever

It flung up momently the sacred river.

Five miles meandering with a mazy motion

Through wood and dale the sacred river ran,

Then reached the caverns measureless to man,

And sank in tumult to a lifeless ocean :

And 'mid this tumult Kubla heard from farAncestral voices prophesying war !

The shadow of the dome of pleasure

Floated midway on the waves ;

Where was heard the mingled measure

From the fountain and the caves.
It was a miracle of rare device,

A sunny pleasure-dome with caves of ice !
A damsel with a dulcimer

In a vision once I saw :

It was an Abyssinian maid,

And on her dulcimer she played,

Singing of Mount Abora.

Could I revive within me

Her symphony and song,

To such a deep delight 'twould win me,
That with music loud and long,

I would build that dome in air

That sunny dome ! those caves of ice !

And all who heard should see them there,

And all should cry,

Beware ! Beware !His flashing eyes, his floating hair !

Weave a circle round him thrice,

And close your eyes with holy dread,

For he on honey-dew hath fed,

And drunk the milk of Paradise.

Saint Apollonia

An optimist looking at this picture might think Ms. Apollonia was an early practitioner of the barbecue. The pessimists among you may have a more grisly story in mind. Here, with clinical brutality, is her profile on a Catholic web site:

Also known as: Apolline. Memorial: 9 February. Virgin. Deaconess. After her teeth were broken with pincers, she was given the choice of renouncing Christ or being burned alive; she leapt onto the fire herself. Martyr.

Jesus! Her teeth were broken with pincers? What’s the matter with people? I hope they gave her the option of renouncing Christ before they broke her teeth with pincers otherwise their torture technique seems flawed. I have to sympathise with her decision. Without ever wishing to find out for sure, I reckon having my teeth broken with pincers sounds worse than being burned alive (which is really saying something).

There is also a nice finishing touch to the fingernail biography:

Died: burned to death c.249 at Alexandria,

EgyptPatronage: dentists, tooth disease, toothache

How would she feel about forever being associated with tooth decay? I know I would be upset. I’m guessing she leapt into the fire, in part, to get away from tooth “ache”.

Of course the name Apollonia is not forever associated with tooth decay for non-believers of the 1980s.